Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as though your life depends on it

Goal	People want to be understood and accepted. 2 primal urges: Need to feel safe & secure Need to feel in control Listen intensly --> demonstrate empathy + show a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing
Prepare	Goal reveal surprises in the negotiation Hypothesis vs. assumptions. Use negotiation to test hypotheses Uncover as much information as possible (not battle of arguements) Uncover what counterpart actually needs (money, emotional, otherwise) --> get them feeling safe to talk more Sole focus: the other person and what they have to say.
Tone	Smile Slow. It. Down Three Voices Late-night DJ voice: Use selectively to make a point Inflect voice downward. Calm and slow. Creates aura of trustworthiness without triggering defensiveness. Positive & playful: Default voice. Voice of easygoing & good natured person. Relax & smile while talking. Direct / Assertive: Used rarely
Mirror	Repeat the last (or critical) 3 words of what someone else has said Insinuates similarity which facilitates bonding connectors because they help your counterpart connect thoughts
Mirror Process	Use Late night FM DJ Voice Start sentances with I'm Sorry Mirror Silence, at least 4 seconds to let mirror work it's magic Repeat
Tactical Empathy	Imagine myself in the counterpart's situation Recognize their perspective and vocalize that recognition Understand counterpart's feelings & hear what is behind those feelings Bring my attention to the emotional obstacles to getting an agreement done Look at words, tone and body language. Spot changes and look for incongruencies.
Labels	Validate someone's emotion by acknowledging it It seems like_______________ . It sounds like _______________ . It looks like________________ . Pause to let the label sink in. Other party will fill in the silence Every 4th verbalization should be a label
Neutralize the Negative	Focus first on clearing the barriers to an agreement Label fears to diffuse their power Look I'm an asshole Process Observe without reaction & judgement Label each negative feeling Replace with a positive, compassionate & solution-based thought
Accusation Audit	List the worst things my counterpart can say about me first Use labels to reinforce & encourage positive perceptions Remove I understand from your vocabulary. Never use it
Start with NO	Need to feel in control --> get by saying NO Saying Yes makes people defensive If I hear No --> What about this doesn't work for you? What would you need to make this work? It seems there's something here that bothers you? 3 types of Yes
Email Magic
That's Right
Summary to trigger That's Right
Never Split the Difference
Deadlines
Three uses of Fair
Extreme Anchor
Loss Aversion
Bend their Reality
Calibrated Questions
How
7 - 38 - 55
Rule of Three
Spotting Liars
Spot Decision Makers
Use my own name
Saying NO 4 times
Types of Negotiators
Deflect the Punch
Strategic umbrage
I statements
Ackerman Bargaining
Black Swans
3 Types of Leverage
Listen, listen, listen
Similarity Principle
Power of hopes & dreams
...because...
Not crazy
Get Face Time
Negotiation One-Sheet

Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as though your life depends on it

Life is made up of a series of negotiations, and you should always be prepared: whether at work, with your teenagers, buying a home, or even dealing with your partner.